The Aaliyah Haughton Movie: Hot Like (Hell)Fire

Amidst a hail storm of slander I, Natasha Marie, have decided to be the voice of reason. Unbelievable, right? Right! Because there is no FUCKING way I can overlook that abomination of a movie and not call for the collective masses to trade Wendell Williams in the next racial draft. At this point I will take Amanda Bynes over him. That gentleman deserves every drag that comes his way, no remorse. I know there were five producers but dammit you were the Black representative and Rosa Parks did not TF sit so that you can stand your ass there as useless as you are huge. There is no way on God's green earth that Wendell didn't notate every bit of disrespect lodged into that tragic 2 hr fantasy flick. That was nobody's biopic. It was as if my soul got sucked out and trapped in the space time continuum for the duration of that SciFy horror show. I've never been so at a loss for words as that moment of my life that can never be returned to me. I won't be surprised when the fans of Aaliyah assassinate you just so you can get to heaven and catch that holy fade from Aaliyah...right before God ejects you so you can spend eternity in the hellfire from whence you plucked that bullshit ass adaption.

Actually don't try to make a movie ever again. Let's discuss the "film" itself..."the character formerly known as Aaliyah" grew at the speed of Renesmee in the span of 2 mins. I was like wait. I blinked and the bitch was 30. Cool. Not to mention her hair grew every time you pumped her arm like some kind of possessed voodoo troll doll. I'm not sure what sort of hairfinity sorcery caused that kind of growth but the bitch ended the movie looking like 

And her bang was nowhere to be found. The one time she managed to wear a bang she brushed that shit out of her eyes every chance she got like that's the LEAST of your problems what with this track going from Twista to Jhene Aiko every 3-5 seconds and the horrendous dancing that was it's accompaniment. The MOST you could've done for our sakes' was shelter your face from the blinding humiliation that was that performance with a swoop bang.

Then Wendell's messy ass decided it was appropriate to galavant the known child molestation and pedophilia of Robert Kelly rather than focus on Aaliyah's life and career. Not that there was much of a career depicted. Just "the character formerly known as Aaliyah" perpetuated as a sullen, unappreciative, lovesick, ingrate of a teenager more concerned with pining over this old black ass Akon look alike rocking an unruly, rebellious ass bald cap. Like whoTF was in charge of hair, makeup, and casting for this production? The ghost of Helen Keller? No living soul could've gotten everything wrong. Like EV-VERY-FUCKING-THING from the people to the time period. Like, my dude, you've been here on Earth since the prehistoric era so how can you not know what the 90s was like? *cues in malnourished, bleached skinned Missy Elliot and toddler "Timmy" who hadn't yet hit puberty*. We all know Aubrey has an unnatural obsession with Aaliyah but why was he her brother in the film? Then to have them all congregate in the studio in the same scene made it exponentially worse. After watching that shit Nothing Was The Same. Fast forward past anything that could have EVER mattered in her career and in saunters ex ball player Dame Dash. Wait...what? Exactly! Terrible ass casting. And then the movie ends as abruptly as "the character formerly known as Aaliyah's" childhood did and with a handwritten message on cardboard borrowed from a hobo outside panhandling.

In all seriousness, this movie was beyond disrespectful. The production was terrible, the acting was subpar, and the soundtrack was nonexistent. The songs that made the cut were bland and unwanted. Aaliyah deserved so much more than what she was given. The author of the book, with his forsaken ass speech impediment, better give glory to God that he hasn't been sacrificed off the sheer basis of his literary incompetence. How can we trust you to write a biography when you can't pronounce half the letters in the alphabet without succumbing to a seizure? You thoroughly enjoyed writing about some alleged pedophilia, didn't you? Over there looking like you've never slept with anything with a pulse. Then the fact that they had thee blatant audacity to mispronounce her name this entire shit show of a production speaks volumes of the integrity that everyone involved in this project lacks. Wendell, bitch, you owe us alllllll an apology. We let you be great and dress in drag every gahtdamn day so the least you can do is offer up an apology for that botched ass low budget ass trash ass pitiful ass production. I cannot believe you possessed the GALL to get on television and talk about ratings. GWORL. One things for sure: you most certainly still have your balls. 

The family was against it and you should have respected their wishes. My heart goes out to the Haughton Family and I hope you sue the man out of Wendell and the life out of Lifetime. Also, I pray that the feature film you create enlightens the masses of the Angel you lost and the legacy that she left behind. She was an inspiration to so many and still is to this day.

Many blessings,

Natasha Marie